Wednesday, August 29, 2007

A Yard Sale...Just Shoot Me!

I'm having a yard sale. And I'm having it against my better judgment.

The last yard sale I had didn't go so well. It started with my doorbell ringing an hour before the newspaper ad, radio spot, sign on the telephone poll, street corner signs, signs on the Star Market window, signs in my yard, signs in my car, the grapevine, the word on the street, and every other sign you could imagine said it would start. The doorbell didn't just ring. It rang repeatedly. At 5:35 a.m.

RINGRINGRINGRINGRINGRING.

I was rethinking not buying a gun. But I did find a housecoat to wear while stumbling bleary-eyed to the door.

There stood a 113-year-old woman wearing a 1985 United Way t-shirt and a denim skirt that was way too short for someone who looked over 11 decades old.

"Hey! Where's the yard sale stuff? How come yer stuff ain't out yet?"

So that's what happens to your voice when you start smoking unfiltered camels before WWI.

"The yard sale doesn't start till 7 a.m."

"7 a.m. Hell, I'm usually done and gone by 7 a.m. I got four more to hit in this neighborhood. What's the problem? You gotta light for my smoke?"

"Ma'am, all the ads say no early birds."

How can a 113-year-old woman suck down half an unfiltered camel on the first drag?
She blew the smoke out of her old lungs long and street.

"Early?" she sneered. "You call this early?"

Even her words wanted to fall out of her mouth to their death.

"Hell, I'll just sit down here and wait. Can I read your paper?"

Rather than have Beelzebub sit on the steps and scare the other yard sale shoppers, we split a pot of coffee. She only stole two forks and a butter knife while in the house.

Selling your old goods at a yard sale brings a mixed bag of emotions. You can chart your life by how much you keep. You can also chart your path by how much you are going to sell.

Sell. Oh. Selling. A bit of advice about the money you make in a yard sale:

You will not be able to fund a Hawaiian vacation, pay for Junior's college, or buy a BMW with yard sale proceeds. If you are lucky, you will make enough money to buy two really good bottles of wine, two movie tickets, and get the oil changed in the car you have to keep since the yard sale only made $122.

Some yard sale tips:

Morning drinking makes the early yard sale go great, but keep the afternoon cleared for a really long nap.

Haggling just ticks people off. Throwing them out of the yard sale will make you feel better. Especially when you combine it with morning drinking.

Make sure you know what you are selling. Having the preacher down the street find a stack of Playboys isn't good. And he won't buy it that the Playboys belonged to your cousin Thor who is in Afghanistan and left them with you for safe keeping.

Bring a BB gun to shoot neighborhood dogs that start barking 'cause the sun isn't up and you are setting up a yard sale. Oh...sorry...scratch that..that is Michael Vick's yard sale.

and finally.....

Don't forget to get a receipt when you donate all the clothes you didn't sell.


Email me any time. greg.screws@whnt.com or the newsroom at news.dpartment@whnt.com

Monday, August 13, 2007

Taking Back The Highways-Great Idea!

I'm happy Alabama troopers are on the offensive. It's called Taking Back The Highways and it's about time. Traffic on I-65 and I-565 looks like the backstretch at Talladega with three laps till the checkered flag.

Despite what NASCAR commercials would have you believe, there is no constitutional right to impersonate Dale Jr. while driving your SUV.

For five days, Alabama troopers are taking a zero tolerance stand against lunacy on state highways. Especially the interstates. Why are you driving so fast with one hand on the wheel and the other on the cell phone texting dinner plans to the kids?

You can drive insanely fast and get home...four minutes quicker.

"Doggone it! If I had just done 100 through Madison, I could have gotten home sooner and caught the latest restless leg syndrome commercial."

It's just plain stupid.

Slow down. Get your mindless driving under control and stay more than three inches off my bumper.

Have you ever seen what happens to the human body when a car doing 90 blows a tire, goes off the highway, and flips a few times?

Do you know what happens to a family when someone crosses the median and hits them head on?

Have you tried to sleep when the first thing you see in your dreams are headlights drifting into your lane?

The highway fatality rate in Alabama is rising. The reason is two-fold. People drive too fast and they don't use common sense. The Taking Back The Highway program is designed to remind people that speeding kills.

Don't complain to me about your ticket! I think taking back the highway is a great idea. In fact, I'm glad you got a ticket for doing 90. If the trooper had more time, maybe he could write you another one for reckless driving since you were three inches off the back bumper of the car in front. But he has to go. Someone else is always going 95.

Tuesday, August 7, 2007

My Three Cents-Immigration and My Trip To The Restaurant!

Most people put in their two cents, but I'm a big guy. That combined with inflation means the two cents people weigh in is now up to three cents.

There's a dirty little secret in this country about illegal immigration. Not many people want to address it. It's one of those, are we going to ignore the 800 pound elephant in the room, arguments.

Many North Alabamians rail against illegal immigration. They want a fence on the nation's southern border with armed guards pointing their weapons at any illegal who tries to cross.

Recently, I talked to a friend whose husband installs sheet rock. It's hard for him to compete. Businesses who employ illegal aliens consistently turn in the low bid for a job.
Those companies that employ cheap labor from south of the border are not owned by illegals. The business, in almost every case, is owned by a U.S. citizen who understands that the financial bottom line is greatly enhanced by hiring illegals.

Frequently, those are the people who listen to talk show hosts rail against illegal immigration.
They're the same people who think something should be done about illegal immigration, but only after they've made their money.

I ate at my favorite barbecue restaurant last night. There was a man cleaning off tables who clearly could not speak English. Not a word. A group of people finishing up their meal was amused about this Hispanic man not understanding the language in Huntsville.

"You can take my plate now."

"Uh huh," he said quietly. He moved on to the next table without taking the plate.

The conversation, which I did eavesdrop on, turned serious.

"Someone has to do something to keep those people out."

Illegal immigration bothered them. But not enough to make them eat somewhere else.

That is the part of illegal immigration no one wants to talk about. United States citizens will support a business that employs illegal immigrants if they like the food, want the sheet rock put on their house cheaply, want the yard mowed, the roof put on at a bargain, a ditch dug, a driveway paved, a monument put up at a church, their groceries carried to the car, their dishes washed, the dog walked, or the fruit picked.

Then they listen to Rush or Hannity and shout at the radio.

"That's the way Rush. Go get them. You tell them. Illegal immigrants are killing this country."

They want the fence built on the border. But they want their "good deal" first.

As always, tell me what you think. My email is greg.screws@whnt.com
The morning show on WHNT cranks up at 5 a.m. and stops at 8 a.m. We would love for you to watch!