Taking Back The Highways....Please!

I don't care how fast you want to drive.

I hope you get a ticket.

From Nov. 24-27, I spent roughly 14 hours on Alabama highways. Went to Montgomery from Huntsville and hung a left and headed to Auburn to cover the Iron Bowl.

Alabama state troopers were smack-dab in the middle of the second "Taking Back Our Highways" campaign. It's the campaign where state troopers have a zero tolerance for
anyone speeding, driving drunk, driving with out a seat-belt, and other issues where people mindlessly disregard everyone's safety while they are driving.

Here is what I learned....

Can we hire 200 more state troopers?

Alabama drivers, by and large, have no respect for anyone else while driving.

You do not have an God-given or government-given right to drive 90.

You especially do not have the right to drive 90 on my bumper.

You should have your right to talk on a cell phone while driving 90 taken away.

You should get a ticket for driving 75 in a 70. You should get at least three
tickets for driving 90 on my bumper.

Speeding.
Wreckless Driving.
Being an Idiot. (Okay...I don't think there is a law against being an idiot. Maybe there should be.)

I'm tired of you driving your SUV and giant truck like a tank assaulting Fallujah.

If you are driving your SUV 90 three inches off a Ford Escort's bumper, back the
hell off. What are you thinking? Do you really think driving like Jeff Gordon is that funny?
Are you that stupid?

I'm for making "Take Back Our Highways" permanent.
More state troopers? Give me Gov. Riley's phone number. Can I call him now?

You can have some more of my tax dollars. Do you need me to mail my tip jar?
I have 9 dollars in my pocket. If you will take the 7 singles and 8 quarters to
use for more troopers, just call. I'll drive it to you. And I won't drive 90 and I
won't tailgate anyone.

I'm mad. Get off my.....bumper. The life you save might be mine.
I'm getting to the point I don't care about yours. If you want to drive 90, do it somewhere else.

Chinese and Reporter Files

Today, the world found out the Chinese are creating files on reporters who may cover the Olympics.

Turns out they are concerned there may be reporters who are occasionally critical of something they cover.

I glad the Chinese are creating files on reporters coming to cover the most important games in the world.

That's a good project. It's better than rolling tanks over students in Tiananmen Square. Figuring out what ties Bob Costas will bring is a better project than killing those who demonstrate for freedom and against tyranny. By the way, Costas is a baseball guy.
He's going to spend all the Olympics getting baseball back for London in 2012.
As well as he should.


Here are some things I can help the Chinese with in getting their super-secret dossiers together.
If I can save the Chinese military intelligence a step or two getting their files together on reporters, maybe they won't detain as many college professors or execute as many dissidents. Detaining college professors might be okay with Bill O'Reilly. Maybe there is an opening for him with the Chinese military.

But I digress.

But here are the time savers for the Chinese.

If you tell the reporters from the southern states the St. Bernard on the buffet is really bar-be-que, they will be fine with it.

Brian Williams from NBC won't be near as interested in the Falun Gong movement as he will
the new NASCAR track going in by the Three Gorges Dam.

Katie Couric will need to know where The Gap is located.

Keith Olbermann and Bill O'Reilly would love to room together.
(Just as long as one killed the other, that wouldn't be all bad. My money is on Olbermann.)

If the Chinese military does want to detain a network and keep them for questioning until
2050, you can have the "E Network." Maybe they can stay there.

You can have MTV also.

Wolf Blitzer is code for "don't make me stop this continent."

Charlie Gibson is a real jerk before he has his morning coffee. Don't start anything with him.
He shoots back.

and finally...

When Letterman and Shaffer goes through customs, it really is oregano. It's to use on all those St. Bernard recipes they plan to bring back.

I have friends who work on government contracts.
So, I asked them how I should bill the Chinese for helping them so here goes....

Attention: Chinese Government

Billing For: Helping Chinese Create Filed on Media People.

Total: $40,000,000

Will take it in small bills.

Greg Screws

PS-If you get real difficult on this, don't make us send Rick and Bubba over......