Taking Back The Highways....Please!

I don't care how fast you want to drive.

I hope you get a ticket.

From Nov. 24-27, I spent roughly 14 hours on Alabama highways. Went to Montgomery from Huntsville and hung a left and headed to Auburn to cover the Iron Bowl.

Alabama state troopers were smack-dab in the middle of the second "Taking Back Our Highways" campaign. It's the campaign where state troopers have a zero tolerance for
anyone speeding, driving drunk, driving with out a seat-belt, and other issues where people mindlessly disregard everyone's safety while they are driving.

Here is what I learned....

Can we hire 200 more state troopers?

Alabama drivers, by and large, have no respect for anyone else while driving.

You do not have an God-given or government-given right to drive 90.

You especially do not have the right to drive 90 on my bumper.

You should have your right to talk on a cell phone while driving 90 taken away.

You should get a ticket for driving 75 in a 70. You should get at least three
tickets for driving 90 on my bumper.

Speeding.
Wreckless Driving.
Being an Idiot. (Okay...I don't think there is a law against being an idiot. Maybe there should be.)

I'm tired of you driving your SUV and giant truck like a tank assaulting Fallujah.

If you are driving your SUV 90 three inches off a Ford Escort's bumper, back the
hell off. What are you thinking? Do you really think driving like Jeff Gordon is that funny?
Are you that stupid?

I'm for making "Take Back Our Highways" permanent.
More state troopers? Give me Gov. Riley's phone number. Can I call him now?

You can have some more of my tax dollars. Do you need me to mail my tip jar?
I have 9 dollars in my pocket. If you will take the 7 singles and 8 quarters to
use for more troopers, just call. I'll drive it to you. And I won't drive 90 and I
won't tailgate anyone.

I'm mad. Get off my.....bumper. The life you save might be mine.
I'm getting to the point I don't care about yours. If you want to drive 90, do it somewhere else.

Chinese and Reporter Files

Today, the world found out the Chinese are creating files on reporters who may cover the Olympics.

Turns out they are concerned there may be reporters who are occasionally critical of something they cover.

I glad the Chinese are creating files on reporters coming to cover the most important games in the world.

That's a good project. It's better than rolling tanks over students in Tiananmen Square. Figuring out what ties Bob Costas will bring is a better project than killing those who demonstrate for freedom and against tyranny. By the way, Costas is a baseball guy.
He's going to spend all the Olympics getting baseball back for London in 2012.
As well as he should.


Here are some things I can help the Chinese with in getting their super-secret dossiers together.
If I can save the Chinese military intelligence a step or two getting their files together on reporters, maybe they won't detain as many college professors or execute as many dissidents. Detaining college professors might be okay with Bill O'Reilly. Maybe there is an opening for him with the Chinese military.

But I digress.

But here are the time savers for the Chinese.

If you tell the reporters from the southern states the St. Bernard on the buffet is really bar-be-que, they will be fine with it.

Brian Williams from NBC won't be near as interested in the Falun Gong movement as he will
the new NASCAR track going in by the Three Gorges Dam.

Katie Couric will need to know where The Gap is located.

Keith Olbermann and Bill O'Reilly would love to room together.
(Just as long as one killed the other, that wouldn't be all bad. My money is on Olbermann.)

If the Chinese military does want to detain a network and keep them for questioning until
2050, you can have the "E Network." Maybe they can stay there.

You can have MTV also.

Wolf Blitzer is code for "don't make me stop this continent."

Charlie Gibson is a real jerk before he has his morning coffee. Don't start anything with him.
He shoots back.

and finally...

When Letterman and Shaffer goes through customs, it really is oregano. It's to use on all those St. Bernard recipes they plan to bring back.

I have friends who work on government contracts.
So, I asked them how I should bill the Chinese for helping them so here goes....

Attention: Chinese Government

Billing For: Helping Chinese Create Filed on Media People.

Total: $40,000,000

Will take it in small bills.

Greg Screws

PS-If you get real difficult on this, don't make us send Rick and Bubba over......

Alabama Cage Fighting and Sex Toys

The state of Alabama recently said cage fighting is not illegal. For those of you who don't know, cage fighting is where people pay money to basically beat the hell of each other.

The city of Hartselle recently asked the AG for an opinion on cage fighting's legal status. The timing was curious. The opinion was requested after the promoter moved his cage fights out of the city-owned recreation center to another venue.

I'm sure the timing of the request, and the subsequent visits by the fire marshall, were purely coincidental.

The AG says local municipalities can regulate cage fighting "to provide for the safety and health of the residents of the community."

I guess that means the safety and health of anyone who isn't actually getting their head kicked in cage fighting.


There is good news in Hartselle. At some point, every problem was fixed. Roads. Schools.
Crime. That wet-dry thing is an issue. But alcohol will be sold in Hartselle when Brittany Spears joins The 700 Club. Back to the problems. They have been solved to the point that the council and the mayor could take up the issue that I know is on the hearts of minds of many in that fair town.

Cage Fighting.

Now, this comes closely to the U.S. Supreme Court declining to hear a case about the sell of sex toys in Alabama. The AG says that Alabama can regulate the sell of sex toys. Sherrie Williams owns two stores in North Alabama called Pleasures. She has made a good living selling things that people use in the privacy of their own home. I'm not talking a battery operated device that makes waffles or smoothies.

Only people that cage fight would use waffle-makers and smoothie machines in the privacy of their own home. I'm no prude but third degree burns and whirling blades aren't a turn on to me.

But I digress.

So now the state of Alabama with a nod from the U.S. Supreme Court can regulate sex toys.

At this very moment in Alabama time, you can pay $40 to climb into a cage and start beating someone to a bloody pulp.

At this very moment in Alabama time, you cannot pay $40 to buy the Triple-Whiz-Earth Moving-Energizer-Fly-Spinner With Wings and take it home for use with the person or persons of your choice.

But there is a loophole in the law.

Of course there is. Loopholes are always written in laws in case a politician toe-tapping in a bathroom stall needs a break regular people who go to cage fights can't get.

So...I now can appreciate the brilliance of the Hartselle mayor and city council.

Oh. I'm sorry. I digress again.

The loophole is brilliant. If the device sold is for scientific, educational, and medical use, they will sell it if you have the money . If you go to Pleasures and and ask for a sex toy, they won't sell it to you. But if you go and ask for a battery operated machine that has high RPM's so you can make a salt map of South America, they will bag it up and ask if you need double-A's.

Educational. Scientific. Medicinal.

I wished I had studied harder in school. I was looking at those term papers in Mrs. Sims anatomy class all wrong.

College Safety Tips

I did a story about safety tips for college students. I have a daughter out of town in college...(Hi Emily! Love You!)...and i worry about her 24/7.

So, I decided to post these tips below for people to read. Safety is a serious issue...especially when it's your kids.

----------------------

How to Protect Yourself:

Your property:

Use a combination padlock on all storage units. Check the unit periodically to make sure nothing has been disturbed.
Don’t mark your key chain with your name, address and license number. Lost keys can lead to theft. Take care of keys; don’t give anyone the chance to duplicate them.
Engrave all valuable personal property with your name and social security number. Keep a detailed list of all valuables and serial numbers.
Move valuables out of view from windows and doors.
Lock your vehicle at all times.
Copy all important papers and cards that you carry in your purse or wallet, including your driver’s license. Keep the copies in a safe place. The information will be invaluable if anything is stolen or lost.
Copy your vehicle ID and tag number. If your vehicle is stolen, it cannot be entered into the nationwide law enforcement network without this information.

At home:
Keep doors and windows locked at all times, even if you are only away for a few minutes. Do not “prop open” doors in residence halls.
Be assertive and demand that any unwanted person in your residence leave, or leave yourself. Anyone who refuses to leave is a trespasser. If you live in a women’s residence hall, report any unescorted males to security.
Make sure hallways, entrances, garages, and grounds are well lit. Leave porch lights on all night. Keep blinds and curtains shut after dark and never dress in front of a window. When you expect to return after dark, leave an interior light on with the shades drawn. If you live on campus, report any malfunctioning light to the physical plant.
Know who is at your door before you open it. Campus staff carry identification and solicitors are not allowed on campus. Require proper identification from any repair or utility people. If you live off campus, install a peephole in your front door.
Make calls for strangers who want to use your phone. Don’t open your door or let them in.
List initials and last names only on your mailbox or door and in the telephone book. Don’t leave your name on your door or answering machine if you live alone. Don’t have the recording state you are away or when you will return.
Get to know your neighbors. If you live off campus, join a neighborhood watch system and share information on suspicious circumstances.
When you go home on breaks, have someone pick up your mail, newspaper, etc. Install timers and leave on all outside lights. Make your residence appear “lived in.”
If you come home and see a broken window or a jimmied door, don’t go inside. Confronting a burglar can be dangerous. Phone police immediately.

Away from home:
Walk or jog with a friend. Avoid jogging after dark. If you must jog at night, stay in well- lit, well-traveled areas.
Carry a whistle and don’t hesitate to use it to alert others you need help. Vary your pattern frequently.
Don’t wear headphones when jogging or biking. They significantly reduce your ability to hear and thus your awareness.
Tell someone where you are going and when you will return.
Don’t fight back if your purse or wallet is snatched. Throw it in one direction and run in the other rather than risk personal injury. Call the police immediately.
Be careful when and where you patronize ATM machines. Accessing ATM cash machines in remote locations, particularly at night, could increase your risk of robbery and personal injury. While you are standing at the machine, keep turning around and scanning for people approaching you or lingering around.
Avoid working or studying alone in a building other than your residence at night.
Stand and walk tall with a brisk, purposeful stride. Make brief eye contact with someone who makes you feel uneasy to let them know that you see them and are not afraid, but don’t stare too long or prolong your glance.
Trust your instincts.

In your car:

Check the back seat before entering.
Keep vehicle doors locked at all times, even when driving in daylight, so no one can jump in at a red light.
Be suspicious of people approaching your car asking for directions, or change, or handing out flyers.
When stopping in traffic, leave enough distance between your car and the one in front of you, so you can quickly pull away if necessary.
If another driver bumps your car or your tire goes flat, keep the doors and windows closed and wait for police to arrive, or slowly drive to the nearest police station.
Keep enough gas in your tank for emergencies.
Don’t offer rides to anyone you don’t know, even if he or she claims to be a student.
Honk your horn if someone suspicious approaches your vehicle.
If your car breaks down, lift the hood, put on flashers, and wait inside the car for help with the doors locked. Ask people who stop to call the police or AAA. Don’t go with anyone.
Don’t stop for stranded motorists. You are of greater help to them by calling the police.
Keep valuables in the trunk of your vehicle, not on the seats.
Park your car in well-lit areas.
Remove all keys from your vehicle. Thieves look for keys under fenders and in magnetic key cases. Walk with your keys in hand.
Remember to buckle up. It’s the law in Alabama.

At work:

Avoid working or studying alone in a building at night.
When working late, make sure doors are locked.
Keep your purse in a locked cabinet or drawer. Never leave it on or underneath a desk.
Avoid using stairs in remote sections of the building.
Do not hold the door open for strangers after normal business hours.
Ask people you don’t recognize if you can help them.
Report suspicious activity to campus police.
Be careful what you leave on your desk and on your computer screen when you step away from your desk.
Keep passwords in secure places.

It is very important for you to have a plan if an attacker tries to steal your bag, attack you from behind, or your car breaks down at night, etc. Knowing how you would handle situations if you should ever have to face an attacker could save your life. Always be on your guard.

Date or Acquaintance Rape Prevention

Prevention:
Awareness + Common Sense + Early Planning = Best Prevention.
Be aware of your surroundings and instincts.
Expect to be respected. Assert your rights.
Clearly communicate your thoughts and beliefs through actions and words.
Meet social or business acquaintances in public places; arrange to have your own transportation or travel with good friends.
Carry money to meetings and on dates in case you need to use the phone or pay for transportation.
Control your environment. Don’t let yourself get put in a dangerous location like an alley or back room.
Know your date’s first and last name, address and business.
Especially with new people, watch how much alcohol or drugs both you and your date consume. Alcohol and drug use may increase your vulnerability by lowering your awareness and ability to react.
If you find yourself in a potentially bad situation, consider:
The object is survival. Do whatever you can to survive. Try to remember as much as you can about the attacker: height and weight compared to yours, scars, tattoos, accent, etc.
As in prevention, clearly assert your rights through your words and actions.
Criticize your date’s actions, not him personally, so that he will understand what behavior to stop. For example “I’m not ready for sex.” or “I have enjoyed our date until now, I don’t want to do this.”
If he does not listen to you, leave.
Do not let embarrassment for him keep you from doing what is right for you.
Choose effective means to get yourself out of the situation. Act with a purpose.
Try to keep your composure; avoid falling apart.
At the first opportunity, escape from the situation and go to a safe place and call for help.
Active intervention methods:
Bite, scratch, kick, pull, twist and punch in vulnerable areas- stomach, sides, face, eyes, shins, hands, and the groin area.
Run away.
Attract attention by continually screaming and yelling “FIRE,” “HELP,” or “I DON’T KNOW THIS PERSON.”

Passive intervention methods:

Talk yourself out of a situation. Give a “convincing story.” Tell him you have a contagious venereal disease, you’re pregnant, or a friend is expected to appear at any moment.
Pretend to cooperate until an opportunity for escape presents itself. Put your attacker off guard.
Act in a bizarre and/or repulsive manner (feign insanity or convulsions, urinate or vomit.)
Do what is best for you and your situation.
After the attack:
Try to be as calm as possible in order to think more clearly.
Call 911 immediately and ask to speak to a rape counselor or call the Crisis Center (826-8600). Do not disturb any evidence, including that on your body. Do not bathe, brush your teeth, douche, clean fingernails or change clothes. Take a change of clothes with you to the hospital.
The student has the option to report a rape, and the campus security authority has the responsibility to help him/her report it to the proper people.
The University wants to ensure the victim is both mentally and physically protected and that counseling is available and is encouraged. If living arrangements need to be changed, the University will assist in providing reasonable accommodations.
If you know someone who has been attacked:
Be there. Your presence means you care and helps counter feelings of helplessness, guilt, and isolation that victims often experience.
Listen to the victim. Don’t be judgmental of his/her actions.
Offer to accompany the victim to the hospital or police station.
Encourage the victim to seek help from a victim’s assistance program.

Murder Between The Headstones

"This boils down to a father upset that Bobby Kellum was with his 17-year-old daughter."

Kellum's throat was slit and body burned in May of 1977. The girl's father, Dewitt Thrash, was apparently angry that Kellum ran off with his daughter. The Marshall County Sheriff confirms that Thrash brutally killed him while two other men watched. They were drunk. They were angry. And, in an instant, Bobby Kellum vanished off the face of the earth. His body was found, but his identity unknown.

Today, Marshall County Sheriff Scott Walls unraveled the mystery from 30 years ago. For three decades, the unidentified body was buried in small plot at the Arab City Cemetery.
A NewsChannel 19 Taking Action Investigation lead to that body being identified as Bobby Kellum and his killers being identified. NewsChannel 19's Sand Mountain Bureau Chief, Carson Clark, did yeoman work and provided the spark that lead to this murder story being resolved.

This story isn't over, though. Thrash and an accomplice in the brutal murder, Troy Barnes, are dead. But, the third man present on that night in May 1977 is still alive. His name is CW Brooks and he's terminally ill. He has six months left. Maybe eight. Not much time left to wonder if you've been a good man. Not much time left to say bye. Not much time left to cleanse your soul of dark secrets which keep you awake at night, fearing what you may dream.

For thirty years, CW Brooks lived with the secret of Bobby Kellum's horrifying murder.
Sheriff Walls says Brooks statement was key to solving the crime. "He has six months to live and didn't want to go to his grave with that on his mind," Walls said.

Looking squarely at the end of your days has a way of bringing instant clarity
to defining issues in your life. Brooks can't say, "I'm sorry" to Bobby Kellum.
But, by saying "I was there," he can give the Kellum family the answer to Bobby's fate.

In Ecclesiastes, it's written "there is a time to kill and a time to heal."
As his life slowly ends, CW Brooks must have realized the need to heal. The need to come clean. He's lead a long life. He's had time to reflect on what sins to confess.

Time. A long life. Confession after years of reflections. CW Brooks understands the value and precious nature of those opportunities.

I'm glad he took advantage of the opportunity to cleanse his soul.
Bobby Kellum's family wishes he had enjoyed the same opportunity.

A Yard Sale...Just Shoot Me!

I'm having a yard sale. And I'm having it against my better judgment.

The last yard sale I had didn't go so well. It started with my doorbell ringing an hour before the newspaper ad, radio spot, sign on the telephone poll, street corner signs, signs on the Star Market window, signs in my yard, signs in my car, the grapevine, the word on the street, and every other sign you could imagine said it would start. The doorbell didn't just ring. It rang repeatedly. At 5:35 a.m.

RINGRINGRINGRINGRINGRING.

I was rethinking not buying a gun. But I did find a housecoat to wear while stumbling bleary-eyed to the door.

There stood a 113-year-old woman wearing a 1985 United Way t-shirt and a denim skirt that was way too short for someone who looked over 11 decades old.

"Hey! Where's the yard sale stuff? How come yer stuff ain't out yet?"

So that's what happens to your voice when you start smoking unfiltered camels before WWI.

"The yard sale doesn't start till 7 a.m."

"7 a.m. Hell, I'm usually done and gone by 7 a.m. I got four more to hit in this neighborhood. What's the problem? You gotta light for my smoke?"

"Ma'am, all the ads say no early birds."

How can a 113-year-old woman suck down half an unfiltered camel on the first drag?
She blew the smoke out of her old lungs long and street.

"Early?" she sneered. "You call this early?"

Even her words wanted to fall out of her mouth to their death.

"Hell, I'll just sit down here and wait. Can I read your paper?"

Rather than have Beelzebub sit on the steps and scare the other yard sale shoppers, we split a pot of coffee. She only stole two forks and a butter knife while in the house.

Selling your old goods at a yard sale brings a mixed bag of emotions. You can chart your life by how much you keep. You can also chart your path by how much you are going to sell.

Sell. Oh. Selling. A bit of advice about the money you make in a yard sale:

You will not be able to fund a Hawaiian vacation, pay for Junior's college, or buy a BMW with yard sale proceeds. If you are lucky, you will make enough money to buy two really good bottles of wine, two movie tickets, and get the oil changed in the car you have to keep since the yard sale only made $122.

Some yard sale tips:

Morning drinking makes the early yard sale go great, but keep the afternoon cleared for a really long nap.

Haggling just ticks people off. Throwing them out of the yard sale will make you feel better. Especially when you combine it with morning drinking.

Make sure you know what you are selling. Having the preacher down the street find a stack of Playboys isn't good. And he won't buy it that the Playboys belonged to your cousin Thor who is in Afghanistan and left them with you for safe keeping.

Bring a BB gun to shoot neighborhood dogs that start barking 'cause the sun isn't up and you are setting up a yard sale. Oh...sorry...scratch that..that is Michael Vick's yard sale.

and finally.....

Don't forget to get a receipt when you donate all the clothes you didn't sell.


Email me any time. greg.screws@whnt.com or the newsroom at news.dpartment@whnt.com