A Yard Sale...Just Shoot Me!

I'm having a yard sale. And I'm having it against my better judgment.

The last yard sale I had didn't go so well. It started with my doorbell ringing an hour before the newspaper ad, radio spot, sign on the telephone poll, street corner signs, signs on the Star Market window, signs in my yard, signs in my car, the grapevine, the word on the street, and every other sign you could imagine said it would start. The doorbell didn't just ring. It rang repeatedly. At 5:35 a.m.

RINGRINGRINGRINGRINGRING.

I was rethinking not buying a gun. But I did find a housecoat to wear while stumbling bleary-eyed to the door.

There stood a 113-year-old woman wearing a 1985 United Way t-shirt and a denim skirt that was way too short for someone who looked over 11 decades old.

"Hey! Where's the yard sale stuff? How come yer stuff ain't out yet?"

So that's what happens to your voice when you start smoking unfiltered camels before WWI.

"The yard sale doesn't start till 7 a.m."

"7 a.m. Hell, I'm usually done and gone by 7 a.m. I got four more to hit in this neighborhood. What's the problem? You gotta light for my smoke?"

"Ma'am, all the ads say no early birds."

How can a 113-year-old woman suck down half an unfiltered camel on the first drag?
She blew the smoke out of her old lungs long and street.

"Early?" she sneered. "You call this early?"

Even her words wanted to fall out of her mouth to their death.

"Hell, I'll just sit down here and wait. Can I read your paper?"

Rather than have Beelzebub sit on the steps and scare the other yard sale shoppers, we split a pot of coffee. She only stole two forks and a butter knife while in the house.

Selling your old goods at a yard sale brings a mixed bag of emotions. You can chart your life by how much you keep. You can also chart your path by how much you are going to sell.

Sell. Oh. Selling. A bit of advice about the money you make in a yard sale:

You will not be able to fund a Hawaiian vacation, pay for Junior's college, or buy a BMW with yard sale proceeds. If you are lucky, you will make enough money to buy two really good bottles of wine, two movie tickets, and get the oil changed in the car you have to keep since the yard sale only made $122.

Some yard sale tips:

Morning drinking makes the early yard sale go great, but keep the afternoon cleared for a really long nap.

Haggling just ticks people off. Throwing them out of the yard sale will make you feel better. Especially when you combine it with morning drinking.

Make sure you know what you are selling. Having the preacher down the street find a stack of Playboys isn't good. And he won't buy it that the Playboys belonged to your cousin Thor who is in Afghanistan and left them with you for safe keeping.

Bring a BB gun to shoot neighborhood dogs that start barking 'cause the sun isn't up and you are setting up a yard sale. Oh...sorry...scratch that..that is Michael Vick's yard sale.

and finally.....

Don't forget to get a receipt when you donate all the clothes you didn't sell.


Email me any time. greg.screws@whnt.com or the newsroom at news.dpartment@whnt.com